My feelings now : Hit by a truck.
Came home yesterday to a message. Someone I don't expect to text me now.
Froze for a moment. My loveie look me across the room caught my eyes & he knows something not right.
He put down my phone & ask me took a warm shower.
I make a cup of hot tea seat by the desk. A gush of emotions running in my veins.
Emotion flows right out of me...
A heartache that make me go breathless.
Lovie came in & holds me. Told me he right here for me.
Day in & out, having little thoughts I could hold that up quite well. Taking my space & times to get use with those memories & pain.
Pain demand to be felt.
How to cure pain? You endure it. Living with the pain & make it part of you.
I been trying...
If only you knows how hard I try & left me with this broken pieces u causes me untouched.
Your good intentions I appreciate it yet little do you know 1 simple text make all this efforts of mine in vain.
I knows this month, you leaving on the jet plane. To a place, you once said wanna bring me along. Is at the top of our list of places we dream to go.
I can't remember when you going & the thought of it might be today is killing me. Images once I dreamt what it could be strike me like hurricane. I been holding it down coolly day by days... Yet just 1 text trigger all pain to be felt. Empty promises... I spend half a year waiting on a line for you to be ready to bring us somewhere. All my waits goes in vain. Those promises never came, those trips never came, those love needs never came & all that ever comes till today is just pain demand to be felt.
Sometime the thoughts of it might be me not holding on to those vows & I detest myself alittle... sometime I do wonders what really goes wrong. What had I done to deserve this pain?
I don't want to know what you been up to cause It hurt more to think what it could be. I don't want to know how you doing cause I couldn't be there. Most of all, I don't wish to face you cause I couldn't hold you in my embrace like I used to. The fear of holding to a warm I used to crave fr & be weak on my knees fr my determination of coming this far.
May Daddy god me alittle closer.. Alittle tighter.. May daddy god helps me with these pain.
Right now, lovie is in the O.T. All I can do is seat here wait for him...
No matter how big or small the risk is. There's risk. I couldn't help it but pray & worries.
With today worries & ytd heartache arrive. I feel I'm running out of breath. I can't describe how I really doing & feeling now. I just pray for the best! May Daddy god get me through.
P.S. Lovie thanks for being by my side. Be my strength & being so understanding towards me. I need you more then ever. You got to be strong mentally & physically for me for us. I loves you.
In Jesus name I pray, amen.
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