My Sanctuary

Dear blog,

Recently there so much "noises" and thoughts running in my head.

I am just at the edge of everything. A tiny spark is all it takes to light up my fume like four of July. 

i try use one of the counselling service that government provided and reach out. It had been on my mind to reach out to seek help. I need someone help me process my thoughts without biased from a friend, family and so

i am broken. i am not myself. i am not truly happy.

All my life i been trying to fix what had been broken... i pick up the pieces and while being broken, i keep thinking a relationship will give me something i yearn for, a family of my own.

while pursing that without a clear sense of self love and always put myself on the line for others had cause me much falls then archiving my dream family

For once, i thought i truly found the one of being together for 3 years in this confine space and how we could live tgt harmonize day to day for 3 years.

Yet i am wronged once more. He is not ready.

For once i give myself a break on relationship yet i struggle on my study, my work, my own day to day.

Yet i am in peace with myself. when i tired i can just withdraw and walk away from things that hinder me cause non involve my emotions like how a relationship does.

i enjoy the occasion of meeting new peoples. i enjoy the most time spending times with myself. 

i enjoy on some day i just doll up and meet someone for tea. i enjoy stay home mask in some day.

i enjoy working having a pay cheque  at the end of the month

i at the cross road now.

i always jump into things even it might seem hard at first. i always tell myself there is never too much to learn in life. there isnt challenges too hard to overcome by will and god.

Yet i always end up crumbling in some ways, joke on me lol

Renee, you get a chance to rebirth and to get a new name to start over again.

What do you want Renee?

Quite those "noise" listen to what deep within you wants?

I felt so much better after letting most all my randoms thought out in here.

End of day, blog is still my sanctuary. 

May all going through hard times, hang on..

Much loves,

Renee 

Renee

Dear Blog,

After 4 years of absent and here i am. 2020 started with this virus call covid 19. Now we are kinda of "quarantine" at home.

Recently blog have been at the back of my mind. The rectangle box i once found my solace.

There are so much happening right now and is harder then ever for me to put them in words. I not sure the reason my fingers firing away with this tiny words yet huge feeling. I just had the urge to write something and put it out there.

Reading a few of my old posts and yep i never achieve those milestones non any of those i wished for years back, lol. Joke on me -.-

Well.. I do hope the world will recover soon and i hopes for the humans will learn to appreciate the world a little better this time round.

Nevertheless, 5 more months before i turned official 30. Now till then home-bound at home, hustling at home cares for 2, i cant do much for myself or set myself any goal.

I pray the virus situation will get better before my birthday. Let me least celebrate my 30 birthday!!!!

Till then,
Renee(My rebirth name ^.')

If God speak~

Not much thought, just full of uncertainty,

Sail through another rough storm yet to ease.

I don't know what to say, just this frustration inside me.

Such a big world out there yet i couldnt find a place i call home to set my foots in.

A boat never find a shore to anchor on.

Prayer is just another wait.... Waiting to be answer...

No one could assure this uncertainty or should i say no one comes to assure this flicking of heart.

Berry is right....

No matter what happened, he will come back and apologise and assure me.

Despite our toughest fight, i know for sure he still love me and never change a bit out of it.

He always here to stay.

I let someone like this to go.... A part of me couldn't hold on to our hurtful past.

A part of me, loves somebody that berry warn me he wont love me as much.

Sometime i think what he said might be true.

Sometime i think i am such a fool.

Sometime his logical thinking of advises battling with my feeling.

Now i make a sacrifice out of it and through this battling of tough time there's no one there for me.

What you want from me god?

i so tired.....

Could i give up the fight now?

Living on a prayer

Now is coming end of March.

When i can't get out breath, blog in a rectangle screen is my breather box.

I hit pass 25, stepping real close to 30.

Grown up much, seen much and i learn how to be easy on myself.

Telling myself didn't do certain thing, doesn't mean i not a good friend, not a good daughter or so

I just being a human, trying make do what i could and couldn't

I spend 10 years or more trying to please peoples and be crush to ground.

I learn to let go as much as i could.. Think less as much as i could.. Most of all, shut my eyes and don't look.

I left home penniless, stay in hostel 1 week.....

Now i got a place i pay a price for.

I need no one take care of me.

Yet i such a soft core person inside.

For love, i be different and fall on my knees..

Yet what's love?

For god love the world, he gave his only son.

We shouldn't forsaken love and be greedy.

Such a sinful world, we living in~

Living on a prayer - Bon jovi

Fabulous February

This month there's lot of joyfuls event. Chinese new year, valentine day & once again i quit my job.  Is the first year for next four more years before i reach 30. By 30 prayfully i got my own place, married & found what i really want to do.

A handful of times, silences is what i offer. As i getting a clearer view of, "silent is gold."

I enjoy little peaceful moments. Life is your's,  don't really need to justify yourself to other. If they really get you, they will long ago. Walking away from what holding yr happiness back is not weakness is courageous.

How i pray, i could one day wake up & forgotten everything & start fresh.

If i could think otherwise, maybe i will be a happier me now.

If only every time when i say i could let it go & i really did i won't be feeling this way..

For the longest time, I've never been in a relationship till now 5 months without yelling, fighting, breaking up patching back & unloved.

Now i got someone whom will constantly show that he cares....Never take me fr granted.

Yet i never feel whole again.

With you we are broken yet i felt settle.

Ain't life is a ironic cycle that no one could get out of it?

Every tears that fall out i couldn't explain it.

When i was ask upon, I only could smile & said "Is not about you, silly."

All i could do is look up to the sky, ask daddy god what's wrong with me....

There's such a crazy thought at days wanting to run right back to grab hold of you & give up the fight.

So much emotions yet no word could relieve the weight.

I pray you well...The more i pray Daddy god has grace on us.

P.S. If only you could feel exactly how i feel & think. You will never say a word of doubt presume my act of loves. If only time could make it in times.

Boxing day~

Is boxing day!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Unwrap those unhappiness & start brand new!!!

Yesterday just clicking through my followers.. I just realised i was unfollowed. Oh well... Is always me whom is sentimental & could keep memories fr the longest time.

Is always my wishful thinking..

I thought what we used to have is one of a kind.

Might as unwell unfriend me in Facebook.

Brand new year awaiting..

I told myself is time i let it go & stop looking back.

Fighting!!!

P.S. Last year last time i will say this to you: Merry Christmas 🎄 to berry. Cherry loves berry always~ Tmr 27th is been a great 2 yrs 3 months keeping u in my heart. Now be free~ cherry 🍒